Nothingman
by TheOutlawHadMercy
Summary: He'd been more than willing to sacrifice to save lives, but Kaidan wasn't quite ready to let him go that easy. MShep/Kaidan. Rated M to be safe. [INDEFINITE HIATUS]
1. Chapter 1: You Promised

_I always knew that you'd come back to get me_

_And you always knew that it wouldn't be easy_

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><p>"Shepard! Where are you?" Kaidan stumbled across the debris, his head still reeling from the explosion. He'd been lucky to make it out alive and in one piece. His ears rang and his migraine was worse than ever, but he couldn't stop looking.<p>

"Shepard! I told you I'd be here, you bastard!" He doubled over, the screaming taking its toll on him. His lungs felt filled with smoke and dust, kicked up from the blast that sent everyone flying. They had been advancing on the beam when a Reaper descended. He'd never ran so hard in his life. The Commander was only three meters ahead of him when the blast hit. They had almost made it.

"_Major Alenko, do you read?_" The voice over his comm made him jump out of his skin. "_Kaidan, are you there?_"

"I'm here. Is that you, Garrus?" Another fit of coughing, which expelled more dust. He spat in the dirt.

"_Yeah, it's me. Where are you? Did you make it to the Citadel?_" Static was beginning to interfere with the comms.

"No, we got hit before we got there. Everyone's gone." There was silence at the end of the line. Kaidan looked out across the slope, wondering where everyone had gone. The Makos were little more than rubble, and he had only found the bodies of two Alliance marines. He looked down at his armor; battered and broken in places, it was barely holding together. Specks of blood covered it, most of which wasn't his. He ran his hand through them. _I wonder if it's Shepard's..._He couldn't bring himself to think about it.

"_What about Anderson or the Commander?" _He knew Garrus would ask, but he wasn't ready for the question.

"I...I don't know. They're not here." He slumped to his knees, all the energy depleted. He felt detached from his body, kneeling there in the dirt. Taking off his gauntlets, he rubbed his forearms and stared at a rubble pile in front of him. _He just can't be dead. That bastard promised me. _Tears ran through the grime on his face, leaving streaks. The pain was becoming too much to bear, like a crushing weight on his shoulders. He bent over at the waist, pressing his forehead to the ground.

"Dammit, Shepard. You know I can't do this..."

"Kaidan!" He jerked his head up, swiveling around to find the voice calling for him. It was coming from the other side of the rubble in front of him. He quickly sprinted over it, bounding to the top, and peered ahead through the fog. Standing knee deep amongst the debris was James, bent over and throwing rock behind him. He jumped down the rubble and started helping him move the debris. He could see an armored figure who was in obviously bad shape. The metal had been at such temperatures it had melted in places; other pieces simply weren't there, exposing burnt skin beneath.

He told himself not to hold his breath, but he couldn't help but feel hope. When he saw the N7 dog tag, he lost it. Flinging rock behind him faster and faster, he ignored the cuts he hands were getting. Vega worked beside him, just as determined to unearth the man as he was.

Finally the rubble had cleared and he could see Shepard's face. He was bruised and bloody from the head down, but with his eyes closed he looked peaceful. Kaidan's hope began to fall, until he found a weak pulse at the carotid artery. He quickly pulled up the comms and tried to reach Garrus, but got nothing but static.

"Fuck!" He banged his hands on his knees, looking around and thinking about the options. He looked to James. "Vega, go get help as fast as you can. Now!"

"You got it, Major!" Vega sprinted off, kicking up dirt as he did.

Kaidan looked back to Shepard. Slowly, he slid his legs under him and cradled his head in his lap. He ran his hand over his cheek, wiping away the dirt and blood. Something black was staining his skin, and it seemed to be radiating from under his chest piece. He thought about pulling it off but was too scared of injuring him more.

"Please don't die on me, John. I need you here." He bent over and kissed his forehead. He couldn't lose hope now. Not after everything. Holding the Commander's head still between his hands, all Kaidan could do was wait.

_Well your dreams, they're reality_

_T__here's no pain, there's no misery_

_Just polish the blood and the bruise_

_For there's just no way you can lose._

_But I wish it was true_

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><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>So I thoroughly despised the ending of ME3 (not gonna spoil it for anyone), and just really wasn't ready for the end at all. So this is my closure. If it's enjoyed I'll continue.

As a side note, my Shepard was named Matthew, but for the sake of the story I'll stick to John. :P

Song Credits: Top, "Lost in You" by Three Days Grace; bottom, "Wish It Was True" by The White Buffalo


	2. Chapter 2: Loco

**Author's Note:** I wasn't expecting anyone to read it quite that fast, but I'm delighted none the less. So here's a new chapter!

As a personal note, Vega and Kaidan were my favorite characters, but I'll be using at least one other character's perspective-although I'm undecided as to whom just yet.

**Song Credits: **top, "Wish It Was True" by The White Buffalo (whose music you should definitely check out); bottom, "Head Above Water" by Theory of a Deadman

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><p><em>Find a way back home, make everything new<br>But I wish it was true._

The medic team had been swamped with casualties and injured when Vega reached them. Makeshift cots filled rooms that had once been libraries, classrooms. When he told them he needed help, they stared at him blankly.

"I've got a severely wounded man out there, and he needs your help now!" He could feel the veins on his neck sticking out, and he was quickly growing hot under the collar with each passing second of inactivity.

"I don't know if you've noticed, _sir_," the medic said flatly, "but _everyone_ here needs help. He'll have to wait." He turned his attention back to the soldier in front of him. It took all of Vega's self control not to rip the man's head off his shoulders and punt it outside. Gazing at the soldier on the cot, he took a calming breath, wondering what Shepard would say. He quickly abandoned that line of thinking. He'd never been good with words.

"Fuck man, listen." He put his hand on the medic's shoulder, hoping his gentleness would speak louder than anger. "It's Commander Shepard. He might not last much longer." The medic glanced up at him, his face grimacing. The soldier on the cot pushed the medic way.

"Go get the Commander. I can wait." He gave a weak smile and laid his head back. "Trust me, I'm not going anywhere."

The medic's face showed he was still conflicted, but he grabbed his kit and stood anyway. "Let's go then."

Half an hour passed before Vega had managed to return to Kaidan and the Commander. He found Kaidan holding Shepard, his eyes distant and off somewhere else. He had to shake him to get his attention, and even then he wasn't all there. He had stumbled off and refused to look at the Commander after that. Vega wasn't sure that there was anything he could do, so he let him be. Maybe Liara could help.

He assisted the medic in getting Shepard on the stretcher and carrying him back to the med bay, occasionally glancing behind them to see if Kaidan was still there.

Back at triage, they quickly got to work on Shepard. Vega couldn't bear to watch as the ripped his armor off. His upper torso was covered in gashes, the longest about seven inches that ran from his collar bone to his side. Blood seemed to seep from everywhere and the medics quickly piled used gauze on the floor next to them. On his chest where his heart was was a large black mark; it was beneath the skin and almost looked like it had spread through his veins. It branched out like a web to cover a large portion of his chest. The medics didn't seem to know what it was, something that scared Vega. _Loco...what happened to you?_

He went to find Doctor Chakwas, knowing she'd want to be there helping the Commander.

* * *

><p>The forward operating base was swamped with maps and people, all trying to coordinate relief efforts and rebuild. Even Admiral Hackett had come planet side, and his presence raised everyone's spirits. Kaidan, however, avoided him, afraid of any questions he might ask. He couldn't address what was at the back of his mind, no matter how pressing it was.<p>

He busied himself with helping ground crews remove rubble and move equipment. No one really seemed to know what was going on, only that the Reapers were gone and the threat with them. There was an air of happiness, and many of the soldiers could be heard cutting up as they went about their work, but Kaidan found that he couldn't smile. Even when he was approached by some of his biotic students, he could only muster a grimace. No one asked him about the Commander, and for that he was grateful.

Eventually his weariness caught up with him; he had been pushing himself to stay occupied and was running off fumes. His migraine returned with force and he leaned against the closest wall. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he waited for the worst of it to pass.

"Alenko? I've been looking all over for you." Kaidan turned to see Vega jogging towards him. He steeled himself for any grim news, but James was all smiles.

"Hey, Vega." He said softly, removing his hand from his face and awkwardly dropping it by his side. He wasn't sure what to say, especially after knowing the way Vega had found him when he had come back with the medics and how he had run off after getting back to the base.

"I got some good news about Loco. The Doc wanted to tell you in person, though. C'mon." Without giving him a chance to argue, James grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him along.

_Head above water, gotta fight from going under  
>Even when it feels useless to wish<br>You're gonna get through this _


	3. Chapter 3: You Owe Me a Drink

**Author's Note: **Slowly chugging along.

**Song Credits:**top & bottom "Without You" by Breaking Benjamin.

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><p><em>All I have is one last chance<br>I won't turn my back on you  
>Take my hand, drag me down<br>If you fall then I will too _

Doctor Chakwas was standing at Shepard's side when they arrived at the triage unit. He had been moved away from the most severely injured and was hooked up to a battery of different equipment in the far corner of the room. The Doctor appeared to be making notes on her datapad, occasionally consulting the machines around her.

To say Vega had twisted his arm to get him here would be an understatement. Kaidan's shoulder felt like it might actually be out of socket, but he had little anger towards James. He would have done the same, had their positions been reversed, and he appreciated his support. It was obvious why the Commander had liked Vega.

The Doctor smiled at Kaidan when she realized his presence. "Thank you, James. You're quite the messenger." Vega grinned.

"Thanks, Doc. I'mma go help out the marines. Holler if you need anything else." He gave Kaidan and pat on the shoulder and jogged back outside. Kaidan shifted from one foot to another, unsure of what to say. James had said there was good news, but that could have just been to get him moving. He glanced at Chakwas and steeled himself for the worst.

"How is he, Doc?" He asked quietly, approaching Shepard's bedside to get a better look.

Chakwas took a deep breath and joined him. "His vitals are stable. The worst is past. You found him in the nick of time, Major." She put a hand on Kaidan's arm. Chakwas had always been like family to him aboard the Normandy. She'd helped him get through many migraines and had always been there for support had he needed it. He turned to look at her now, grateful she was here.

"That's good...but I think you're holding something back, aren't you, Karin?" He half smiled, numb all over, anticipating the bad news to follow. Chakwas nodded, and held her datapad out to him. He took it and glanced at the notes and images, only able to decipher parts. He looked up at her for more clarity.

"Shepard wouldn't have survived had it not been for his implants. They were able to keep his organs alive through events. By the stress and injuries he sustained, I'd have to say he'd was aboard the Citadel when the explosion happened." She paused a moment, and touched Shepard's arm. "But something was introduced into his system in the last six hours that his implants are rejecting, hence the black markings. In order to combat whatever it was, the implants have been killing infected blood cells. We've been able to give him enough blood transfusions to replace most of the affected cells, but the marks will most likely stay. I'm sure something could be done about them later, but seeing as they're mostly superficial, I'm more concerned for his overall health."

Kaidan nodded, the bulk of his fears alleviated. Shepard would live, but the lasting damages were unknown. Despite how much hatred and loathing he had for Cerberus, he allowed himself to give them a little credit. Had it not been for their medical staff...he shook his head.

He glanced around the room at the other patients. "How long until he can be moved?" He asked the Doctor.

Chakwas smiled. "Oh, he can be moved within a few hours. I just want to let the machines run a few tests before we get him out of triage." She patted Kaidan on the forearm, and something about her smile made him blush. "I'll make sure you get your time with him, Kaidan." She glanced at the patients behind her. "Until then, I have others to assist. I'll be around if you need me."

Kaidan nodded and watched as Chakwas walked off to help another injured soldier. He turned back to Shepard and put his hands on the cot. Bowing his head, he let out a shaky sigh of relief. "Jesus, Shepard. You owe me a drink when you get out of here."

_Say something new  
>I have nothing left<br>I can't face the dark without you_


	4. Chapter 4:  Into the Light

**Author's Note: **Drink and be merry. I'm taking the weekend off.

**Song Credits**: top, "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer, bottom "When Angels Fly Away" by Cold

Considering making a playlist for this and this alone. :P

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><p><em>We're going down, and you know that we're doomed.<em>

_My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room._

Kaidan woke suddenly, feeling like he was going to get violently sick. He stumbled from the bed and into the hall, reaching for the wall to guide him to the restroom. He barely made it to the toilet before he retched the only meal he had been able to eat for the last two days. Staring at the now emptied contents of his stomach, he wiped sweat from his brow and the back of his neck.

Shakily, he stood and made his way back to the crew's quarters. He had been sleeping on the Normandy since they'd moved Shepard, along with Joker. The rest of the crew who had stayed behind on Earth had decided to find other resting places, eager to get out of the confines of the ship. He was thankful it was just him and Jeff. Joker preferred sleeping in his captain's chair the majority of the time, insisting it was the best seat, and bed, in the house, which left Kaidan alone in the bunks. As he stumbled back to his cot, he realized he wouldn't be getting back to sleep anytime soon. He decided to walk it off.

He went to the kitchen area and sat on one of the barstools, remembering the late nights he had spent back on the original Normandy, drinking coffee and chatting with Shepard. He'd never been one to get a full sleep, and Kaidan was always plagued by migraines even during his sleep.

Kaidan rubbed his forehead presently, thinking about the rebuilding of Earth. No doubt it was a large project, one that would take years to fully complete, but he had no doubt that it would happen. Humanity would band together and become stronger because of it, that much he had no question. But he wondered what his place in the rebuilding would be. His Spectre status meant he was bound to the Council, but he doubted they would insist he leave his homeworld in a time like this. The longer he thought about it, the more he realized the future was still giving him a massive headache.

Pushing away from the island, he began walking back to his bunk. Pausing in the hallway near the elevator, he decided to go up to Shepard's cabin to kill some time. He wasn't quite ready to sleep again.

He could hear music before he even left the elevator, and briefly cursed himself for not bringing his sidearm, but then cursed himself for thinking he'd need it. What'd he expect, looters in the Commander's room? No one was that stupid, not after the man had saved the galaxy. He could only imagine what kind of stories most people had in their heads of Shepard, but was sure they are rang true at least in some respects.

He approached the door and watched as it slid open—to an empty room. The music must have been left on since the last time...he shook his head. Sitting down at Shepard's private terminal, he wondered if he was invading the Commander's privacy. He didn't particularly care at the given moment, and booted the terminal anyway. For all the hell Shepard was giving him, he didn't think it'd matter much in the scheme of things to briefly look at his computer.

He glanced briefly at the messages and was about to just exit the terminal completely when he noticed one with the header "Son." He cocked his head, curiosity getting the best of him. Clicking on it, he realized suddenly it was a message from John's mother, whom he hadn't heard him mention since—well, now that he thought about it, ever. Clicking away quickly, he decided best not to read it. Maybe later when he was awake he'd ask about his parents. They'd never really spoken about the subject.

Leaving the chair, he stretched his arms and back, cracking his knuckles and yawning. He might be able to salvage some good rest out of the night after all. He began to walk back to the door, then eying the bed, decided to just stay the night in here.

"To hell with it," he mumbled, shedding his shoes and shirt and slipping beneath the covers. It wasn't like anyone would know, anyway, which was the last thought to cross his mind before he passed out.

* * *

><p>It was apparently the wrong thought however. "I guess Joker was right." The voice scared the shit out of him and he rolled off the bed and into the floor. When he managed to sit up, he saw Vega standing at the end of the bed, his face bearing a shit eating grin.<p>

_My dignity has been utterly lost_, Kaidan thought with a sigh. Vega appeared at the most inopportune moments. "What was Joker right about?" He asked half heartedly, not really needing an answer. He picked himself up off the floor, salvaging what dignity he could.

"He said I'd find you in Shep's room. I guess he has a better...perception of people than me." Vega watched as Kaidan went hunting for his shirt, lost somewhere in the sheets. He couldn't help but laugh a little, receiving a glare from the Major in return.

"You got nothing better to do, Lieutenant?" Kaidan grumbled, finally finding his shirt and donning it.

"Just to tell you that Shepard's awake, but if that isn't a priority, I'll just go back to cleaning my rifle." James promptly about faced and walked back out to the hall. After overcoming his initial shock, Kaidan jogged to catch up to his long stride's and met him in the elevator.

"If you're shitting me, Vega, I'll kill you."

* * *

><p>He couldn't feel his body anymore, just an overwhelming sense of numbness. The adrenaline had taken over and he pushed himself to run harder, faster. His boots felt like they were touching the ground and the sloped earth gave him the feeling he was flying forward. They had only thirty more meters to cross before they would reach the objective. No amount of pain or fatigue was going to slow them down at this point. This was the final push, he could feel it.<p>

A nearby explosion rocked him sideways. He put up his arms to shield him from the light, but never stopped moving forward. Dodging craters and debris, he could feel himself moving faster and faster down the slope. Everything was moving in sync, efficiently. His body had become a machine, shutting down unnecessary functions to devote the most energy to coordinating his movements. Sweat was pouring down in sheets, but his eyes were nowhere but forward.

Another explosion rocked him, this one causing him to trip as the ground lurched up. He compensated and used the motion to propel him forward, catching his balance and continuing. He could hear screams, but he didn't have time to discern what direction they were coming from.

Ten meters and closing. He could feel the energy pulsing from the beam, raising the hairs on the back of his neck. The light grew brighter, until it blinded him. Stumbling forward, he felt the numbness recede in place of unbelievable pain, radiating from his chest and spreading to every end in his body. His breathing became labored, his movements less swift. Each breath became harder, until he was wheezing for air. He fell to his knees, a weight pressing down increasingly harder on his shoulders. He had to make it. He couldn't quit, no matter the pain. The last few feet he crawled on his hands and knees. The edges of his vision were blurring, becoming a black haze. Before he lost all control, he threw himself at the beam, falling only inches short. With a final breath, he collapsed and fell into the darkness.

And then, the Commander woke.

_I can't be home tonight, I'll make it back, it's alright_

_No one could ever love me half as good as you _


	5. Chapter 5: The Looking Glass

_Won't somebody tell me, answer if you can_

_I want someone to tell me, what is the soul of a man?_

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><p>The first breath came easy, like a deep inhale followed by a sense of contentment. But the second breath became torture, as the Commander felt his body come alive, in the most terrible of ways.<p>

"Oh Christ," he gasped, sitting up in the hospital bed and shocking the nurses attending him. He brought his hands to his face and found them tangled in surgical tubing and wires. He fought the urge to rip them out, something in the back of his mind telling him that wasn't such a good idea. The pain was overwhelming, starting at his chest and moving outward, no part of his body immune to its touch. His skull throbbed, his legs ached and his eyes watered at the intensity of it all. Over the pain, he became vaguely aware of a nurse at his side, messing with one of the many machines around him.

He felt a sweet rush of relief suddenly, and let himself fall back against the soft pillows, his eyes closing to the world as the pain medication kicked in. He could faintly hear a nurse yelling for a doctor as he slowly slipped back into the black.

* * *

><p>The second time he woke, Shepard was in a druggy haze. The intense pain he had felt earlier was still present, but its keen sharpness which had commanded his attention earlier had faded to a dull roar. His mouth felt dry, like it was full of cotton, and his tongue felt swollen and heavy. Even his eyelids seemed to silently protest against his prodding, until he found himself squinting at his surroundings.<p>

He pulled himself up into a sitting position, letting himself gain every inch cautiously, in case the pain decided to rear its ugly head again. When he was fully sitting up, he noticed he had company.

"Commander." Doctor Chakwas stood in her crisp uniform, a datapad in one hand and a glass of water in the other. By her posture she looked weary, but Shepard saw the familiar light in her eyes. She had always been most alive when her services were most direly needed. Somewhere in his mind it registered that she probably had a lot of patients on her hands, but he wasn't sure where the thought came from.

"Chak-was." Shepard choked out weakly, coughing immediately after. The Doctor stepped forward and handed him the glass of water, which he accepted graciously. He quickly drank its contents, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and setting the glass aside. He took another look at Chakwas, who was inspecting one of the machines nearby. He waited patiently for her to speak, unsure of himself where to even start with the questions he had flying through his mind.

"You've been out for three days. When you were brought in, you had four broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a fractured wrist, to name a just a few things. The complete list of your injuries and ailments would take me the better part of a day to recite." Chakwas took a moment to examine her datapad, then resumed.

"It's a miracle you're alive, and to even suggest we owe that to anything other than your implants is borderline insanity." The Doctor sighed, finally looking Shepard in the eye. "And as much as I'd like to let you to enjoy your new found life, I've been instructed to inform the Alliance as soon as you regained consciousness and could hold a conversation. They want to debrief you on what happened up there."

Shepard glanced around the room again, noting a mirror in the far corner. He slowly swung his feet to the floor and disentangled himself from the tubing and wires. Chakwas watched him cautiously as he walked across the room to see his reflection, his eyes never leaving the floor as he navigated his way there. When he finally reached the mirror, he let himself look up and assess the damage.

He had experienced pain in his career before, and had become accustomed to the damage it did. He had grown quite friendly with all of pain's forms: blinding pain, searing pain, dull pain, roaring pain. The bruises and the cuts, the broken bones and the scar tissue, they all left their mark at some point. As he regarded himself in the mirror, he noted that while he had never felt worse, he sure had looked it.

His face was mostly untouched, minus the few scratches on his forehead and cheek. His arms were covered in a motley of bruises, some older than others, and probably still some from before the Citadel. He raised his shirt to examine his stomach and chest, and was surprised to find dark, black markings. The cuts and bruises he could explain, but this left him puzzled. He turned to the Doctor for clarification, but she only shook her head.

"We don't know either. All we know is your implants fought against what it considered infected cells, and left those markings as a result."

Shepard looked back to the mirror, letting his shirt fall back down into place. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Duty never ends, does it?" He wondered out loud, mostly for his own benefit and not expecting any answers. He turned to the Doctor. "Tell them I'm ready to be debriefed."

_As far as I can understand, a man is more than his mind_

_When Christ went to the temple, the people all stood amazed_

_He was teaching lawyers and doctors how to raise a man from the grave_

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><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong> I am a terrible, terrible person. I've attempted and failed to write more for this story, and am a bit ashamed it took this long to even get this much. Its going to be short and sweet, with just a few more chapters. I apologize for the (major) delay.

Song credit goes to "Soul of a Man" by Blind Willie Johnson (covered by Steven Stern and George Krikes, recently featured in the Mad Max trailer). Cheerio.


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